Sunday, January 27, 2008
"Disabled spy satellite threatens Earth" The grim headline just in from Yahoo! news. Officials report that the satellite can no longer be controlled, may contain hazardous materials and they have no idea where it might hit sometime in late February or March. A little vague on the details. Did Yahoo just hire a writer from the Weekly World News? Is the hazardous material that could be on this satellite really the remains of Hitler? "Appropriate government agencies are monitoring the situation" Appropriate government agencies? I'm beginning to feel better. Really what they mean to say is "We don't know jack." And folks- don't tell. This information is classified as secret. At least important details such as where this thing might land...will I be late to school one day because a hazardous freaking satellite containing beryllium dropped from the sky onto my car?! The article goes on to say that breathing beryllium can cause chronic, incurable respiratory problems. Which kind of respiratory problem? "No ma'am we can't divulge that information at this time. It has been classified as secret." Listen, pal-didn't your mom ever tell you secrets don't make friends? Of course you won't have any friends left anyway because they are all dead from this satellite that fell from the sky crushing them beneath. Many thanks to Yahoo! news for a sensational story. "This paper contains facts. Pregnant man gives birth....that's a fact!"