Dolly For Sale

I heard that the FDA has approved that it is ok for us consumers to buy and eat the meat of cloned animals. One source says this is an extremely expensive process (you think?) and another reports that this is a good thing because then we can clone and subsequently mass produce only the very best specimens for consumption. *Gasp* What if we have been eating inferior meat? But then, as the BBC reports, we will never know if we are eating inferior meat or not because the FDA sees no reason why the meat should be labeled as cloned or not. For all intents and purposes, this meat is no different than the meat we are buying now save that it didn't cost an exorbitant amount of money to just let the cows and the bulls have at it and produce naturally. I think this whole thing is "udderly" ridiculous (and yes, the pun had to be made). Are we experiencing a sudden shortage of cattle, pigs and the like? Plus, what will PETA have to say about this? Perhaps the self esteem of the rejected cattle should be considered here. Poor Bessie didn't get picked for cloning. Farmers of rejected cattle should make sure to rid their farms of electric fencing lest all the ostracized cattle might try to kill themselves.

Night

I got a gift certificate to Barnes and Noble from one of my students for Christmas and immediately went and spent it. I got 3 books...Night by Elie Wiesel, Heart of Darkness (with 2 bonus short stories) by Joseph Conrad and Turn of the Screw and the Aspern Papers both by Henry James. I decided to read Night first because it was a shorter book and I figured I'd be done reading it before I left for vacation. I did not really know what was in store for me when I bought the book, only having read the back of it and thinking it sounded interesting. Interesting was completely the wrong word for what the book was to me. If you haven't read it, it is Wiesel's account of what he experienced at the concentration camps of the Holocaust. The book left me with mixed emotions the greatest of which was feeling like I wasn't entitled to feeling any at all. Auschwitz was not my experience and it felt like I was patronizing his agony by feeling horrified and sad for what he and countless other people went through. One story he told was during a transport to another camp. A woman from the passenger part of the train they were on was throwing coins into the cattle cars and people were fighting to the death over this woman's pocket change. When she was asked to stop the woman replied "I like to give charity." I felt like I was as arrogant as that woman. I also felt that I was intruding on this man's very private and personal story. It seemed to be a sacred work, perhaps because this was not only his story but the story of hundreds and hundreds of thousands of others. I know well that he wrote this account down and published it so people would specifically read it, but it still felt as though this was information that I should not be privvy to. While it feels like saying anything to describe the book or my feelings about it does a disservice to his work and experiences, I felt that I had to say something just to process the whole thing. If you want to borrow the book let me know.

Stress, sir...it's a killer"

I can say that I have made it through my dental instrument exams successfully. That means I can go on to clinic next semester where I actually get to start hacking away at people's mouths (i suppose I should phrase that a tad more delicately, seeing as how i have to find my own patients). I cannot say that I made it through unscathed. So far this semester (with a week and a half left to go) i can calculate that I have taken 55 exams, 45 daily quizzes (for a class that meets twice a week and one that meets once a week) written 3 papers, completed 4 group projects (3 requiring presentations) read 3 books, and about 15 separate myths (each reading came with a daily quiz not accounted for in the exams or quizzes aforementioned), led 2 class discussion times and have committed countless (literally i can't calculate the number) hours spent doing homework or studying after 10 pm. I decided to take a mythology class this semester to make sure I had full credit for financial aid instead of gym. This was a stupid move. Not because mythology is stupid, the class was really great. It was stupid because it's an english course which actually requires time and intelligence to complete with any amount of success. Gym requires a pulse, somewhat regular attendance and doesn't even require you to close your mouth. At any rate, the stress of this semester is not one I was prepared for. I didn't mention yet that I teach lessons three nights a week. I am going insane. One classmate posed the question in an online discussion thread about where we saw ourselves after graduation. Would we be working in a strictly pedo office? How about working in an office for the underpriveleged? I suppose people's answers were honest enough, but I couldn't help feeling like I just watched the interview part of a miss america pageant. the last part of the discussion read "why don't you save your answer and print it out so you can get it out ten years from now and reflect on it?" yeah right. i have a place you can save your answer. it will probably take you ten years to dislodge it from your body. It's too bad, becuase the girl that asked the question is really nice and I have no real beef with her. But i hate retarded questions like that. And, while I am proud of what I've done this semester, i realize that i still have three more to go, each just a little more challenging than the previous. Graduation isn't even on my radar. I just want to make it to winter break. Now that I've gotten that out of me I think i'll go to bed.

Bumper sticker fun

I always enjoy reading bumper stickers (much to the detriment of my brakes because i always have to slam them because i was too distracted by reading the bumper stickers on the car ahead of me). I saw one the other day that said "Jesus is my boss. I trust Him and you can too." My heart was strangely warmed.

thump

two posts in one night? inconceivable! firstly, i'm just too lazy to do any homework that I could be doing tomorrow. secondly, emily just fell out of bed and hit the floor with a little bubs thump. i enjoy these moments. not because i'm mean and like it when my kids get hurt, but because i know she isn't hurt and the sound of a two year old hitting the floor in a little pile is kind of funny. mostly i like it because it is one of the rare (and becoming more rare as she continues to conquer the world) moments when i can scoop her up and hold her closely and she doesn't want to be put down. then i can smell her sweet baby smell and hold her while she wimpers herself back to sleep feeling safe. bubs is well into her "two-dom" but she's still my little babe. she still has tiny little fingers and toes and little fat dimples on her hands. and when i lay next to her to help her fall asleep, she will reach over with her bitty hands and rub my face and say "beautiful mommy." sweet baby. "i love her so much" (if you've never heard holly hunter say that phrase, you need to get to the video store and rent raising arizona. its one of my favorite comedies ever).

Kids Say the Darndest Things

I'll probably have to pay some kind of royalty for using that phrase...oh well. here are a few choice soundbites from the girls of late.

Bubs: mommy? can i have a cookie? don't say no!

Cara: What are you singing, Mommy?
Me: Its a song called turn me on by norah jones.
C: oh. are you on yet?

Me: are you making any friends at school, kiddo?
C: well, i have some friends but they are only girls. boys make me mixed up in my head.


Intro: Mike's mom gave him the equivlaent of a magic 8 ball just shaped like a pink plastic Jesus instead. Ask Jesus a question and you'll get answers like "have a nice after-life" and "yee of little faith" (and it actually says yee...thats not a typo). Somewhat sacreligious, but funny nonetheless.
C: Mom? can i play with the pink man?
M: sure, but it's not just a man, cara, it's Jesus. you can ask him questions and he will give you answers.
B: I wanna play with Jesus!
C: I had him first!!!

Note: we did explain to cara that the plastic Jesus was a joke and that it wont really give you real answers and that talking to the little pink Jesus was not the same thing as talking to God for real. I hope the girls grow up to be serious about their own faiths, but not so much that they can't laugh at themselves a little bit.


so, little things that made me laugh this week (i write them down so in 50 years i can still remember them and also to remind me of the good times so i don't end up eating my children when they are crazed maniacs).

Big News

It's not as though its any big surprise for the people who see us regularly or at least know us pretty well, but now there's a ring and it's official! Mike and i are getting hitched!!! WOO HOO!!! I'm so excited i can hardly contain myself! I am more than ready to begin this new phase of life. Sometimes i need to remind myself that it's real. My folks were asked for my hand (very old-time romantic-y stuff) to which they were both very happy to say yes. Mom told Mike that under no circumstance was i to quit school to which he replied why would she? but to my mom and dad it was important that i not become a doormat and subservient second class person again. I can confidently say that this will never be an issue for me for 2 reasons. One being that Mike is a superb human being and would never treat me like that, and two being that i would never again let myself be treated that way (hell hath no fury like a woman empowered). Mike is by far my favorite adult on this planet (i have other favorite adults on other planets....but on earth, he's the one...just kidding). I have two favorite kids, but mike takes the cake on best adults alive. He is my very best friend and loves me so fiercely. And i love him fiercely as well. life is better because he's in it, for both me and my ladies. mom says he makes an awful fine papa for those little girls and its true. cara was asked tonight at a gig if mike was her dad and she said "no...he's my mike...everyone needs a mike!" and emily will come in my room early in the morning dragging her baby and blanky and say through her plug "where's mike? i want my mike!!" man. i'm freaking the luckiest lady alive though i ponder the role luck really has in the whole thing. So if you're around sometime next year (date pending for house buying reasons, but we have a window that we're shooting for which will also not be posted anywhere online...but we'll let you know), please come to our wedding which will be more of a grande (not grand) costume party. come in costume...its a costume party!!!! we rock!!!

test post

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. If this were a true emergency there would be instructions following this test. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

school

I've been a dental professional student for one week. I have been a dental professional student with a job on the side teaching piano for 1 day. Cara has been a professional kindergarden student for 3 days. Emily has been a professional two year old who is now sister-less (do you hyphenate that? its not really a word anyway i guess) for 3 days. Cara, Emily and I have been professional insomniacs for one week. It's been neat seeing Cara start school and hear of her experiences. So far, no one has sat with her at lunch any of the three days but i dont believe her. she was giving hugs to the other students on the first day before even going inside to meet her class. and, much to my delight, she came home the first day with a spork in her lunch box!! Despite the lack of sleep its been a pretty good week, and i still have the best family ever. And now for the feel good part of the post where i talk about God and stuff (enter the strings). I have it pretty darn good. I lose sight of the goodness that i have in front of me on a daily basis because i get frustrated fast. but i really have it good. i don't have to look very far before i find great kids, a wonderful lilfe partner (that's what mike and i call each other...i<3 him so much), great friends and all of my family is close by, an awesome church family and soon a really fun job. God has really taken care of my little family partially by using my people (all the aformentioned plus the people who occasionally chime in on my blog) to love me through and help me out of the royal funk i've been in for quite some time. You probably don't know how much you help just by freaking being alive. so anyway...thats my sappy post for the day. cheers!

All New People

I just finished off another Anne Lamott book (number 6 and counting) called All New People. It's one of her early novels and as the name implies its kind of a before and after deal, where you follow a family and see them transform. its a nice thought, becoming a new person. kind of romantic, but not impossible. sometimes i think that God has taken me back to high school where i met slick (the ex) and started attending cult to start my transformation into a real person from that time. mind you, i was a complete ass in high school, as most of us are, and completely self absorbed. i think i am still an ass and self absorbed and since i'd most like to jsut erase the time i met slick to about a year ago completely from memory, i decided that i get to start over from high school and learn to grow up. i believe God loves me because he doesnt want me to stay a self absorbed jerk. but i'm not entirely sure he likes me all that much as i am right now. i'm not sure i even like myself that much as i am. so i'm trying to grow up. its hard. mostly becuase if i follow the idea that i'm starting where i was in high school, i've got a lot of work with two little girls in tow. most days i'm pretty selfish where they are concerned. i dont want to get up every morning to the sound of children fighting over a toy and screaming at each other. i dont want to feed them, i want to sleep in and get up when i feel like it. as a result i get crabby real fast. and that crabbiness generally sets the tone for the day. its pretty hard to live outside of my own wants. i'm also learning not to live outside my own needs, and taking an honest look at what my needs really are and then trying not to be a martyr. i still think i have a pretty juvenile picture as to what my real needs are as opposed to what i want. but i think God gently tells me at the end of everyday where i have been a jerk and that i can try to do better tomorrow. in that respect, i really ascribe to the notion that we get to start each day fresh. it somehow makes living through the day a little easier without the weight of yesterday on you. and if i let it, yesterday can be really heavy. i have also learned that i am extended grace from my kids who let me tell them that i messed up and forgive me. its pretty humbling when your five year old says "i forgive you mommy." so if you see me being an asshole you can tell me to grow up, because after all this time i still need to hear it.

Driving Etiquette

If emily post were alive today and could drive, i'm sure she would comment on the proper way to operate a vehicle and suggest some wholesome manner of sharing the road with your fellow drivers. It's too bad she's dead, because now it appears as if the gruesome task is left to me and i'm mean. i personally think that everyone except me and a few close friends should not be allowed to drive....ever. i love living in the city but i hate city drivers/driving. which if i feel like remaining in the city i have to put up with it but really, that is crap. people should just know how to drive like a reasonable human with other reasonable humans on the road (such as myself). *Note-if you are faint of heart and do not like reading angry posts containing swears, please stop reading-end note*
On Tailgaiting: if you are a rich white suburbanite SAHM driving a vehicle much to big for you to obviously handle with any sort of aptitude just get the hell off the road. then i would not have to be assaulted by your asinine ways whilst driving to and from work. at least once in every trip to and from webster i am tailgaited to the point of not even being able to see the headlights of the SUV behind me because they are riding my ass. And when i finally get over as slow as i can possibly manage i look over with a deadly glare to see a rich white suburban mom glaring back. then they pass and i see a retarded window decal of their rich white kids sports team. It fills me with rage. i lose all sense of comapssion and Christ like love for these people at that point and wish they would mercilessly be trapped under their SUV watching the massive bag of soccer balls rolling away from the flaming wreckage. if you tailgate people.....stop.
On Parking: i feel the need to make a small addition to the people who fall into the category of ass parkers. I'm amending the post to include the jerks who park their cars in lanes of traffic that are designed to be used for driving on, not so some lazy assed bum can park there to go into some convenient store for a 40. these people are indeed lazy because the convenient store is almost always located on the corner of a side street where there is ample parking. why? why is it so flipping hard to park a few more feet away so that you dont block rush hour traffic on freaking LAKE AVE? not only are these people offensively lazy they are also self absorbed and think that the rest of the world should just have to get out of their way dammit becuase they have to get their 40 and a pack of freakin lucky strikes. if you are going to be that self absorbed do it in the privacy of your own home so you dont piss off the rest of the world, or find some other way to be self absorbed so that you arent an inconvenience to everyone. if you are an ass parker....stop.
i'm so glad i have an online journal so that i can post the inner workings of my head. now i dont have to worry that people think i'm really just a sweet girl. i am most of the time. but dont get me angry...you wont like me when i'm angry. as a completely unrelated sidenote, i have finally learned how to link things. hopefully the links work...if not, oh well.

time's fun when you're having flies

it just occurred to me that my five year old is starting kindergarden this year. somehow this has caught me by surprise. you'd think i would have seen it coming seeing as how i've gone through all the paperwork to get her registered and she got a nifty tin school house rock lunchbox, and even has a pretty dress for her first school picture. this morning i find myself bewildered at where the time went. kiddo's a big girl now...reading at a first to second grade level, adding and subtracting numbers, taking dance classes, getting much better at being nice to her sister, playing my little pony on piano by ear and singing along with herself. i so clearly remember her being born and how i was a bawly mess when i first got to hold her and then had to scream "get her off me i'm going to puke" (side effect of too much epidural). she looked like a little alien as all babies do, but of course she was perfect in every way. i remember her eating and ralphing and getting bit by bugs and swelling up like crazy, walking (January 4, 2002-3 days shy of her 10 month birthday), halloween costumes, greeting trick or treaters at the door by saying "Hi kids!! I'm a COW" and so many other memories that are too numerous to lay down in one post. but now she's 5 and kindly reminds me to be nice to people when i'm driving and that i shouldnt say mean things to other drivers....she says that those other drivers just dont know how to drive better and that they need to go to school to learn to drive. damn. she's an amazing kid and i'm more proud than i could ever have words to express it. i can't imagine how i will be on september 7th at 8.15 in the morning when i will take her to her first day at school. school officials will have to scoop me up off the floor with a shovel and dump me out onto the sidewalk. so cheers to Cara Marie who is the best five year old on the planet!

forgiveness

two weeks ago i gave a little speech in church about a nasty experince that i had at my previous church. at the end of it i said that even though the crap that went down happened over two years ago i still struggle with feelings of anger and unforgiveness toward these people...really its just a few choice people. so last night i finally prayed about it. one would think i might have gotten on this a little sooner, but better late than never i suppose. it was actually really good because i haven't prayed in a long time. i've been wondering how to just let go of what these people did. tonight i was thinking of what i might actually say to these people in the act of forgiving them. i thought that i'd start out with the record i have kept of their wrongs (similar to the record that God doesnt keep), of course remembering the sometimes pat answer that love keeps no record of wrongs. but i dont love these people. so i have my list. other scriptures come to mind about loving ones enemies and such. i guess that if i saw one of them stuck under the wheel of a semi that was about to explode i'd call 911 and such, but i don't have to like them after doing so. and i dont. i'm not sure i ever will like them again. and if they were all stuck under the wheel i might think of it as divine intervention and leave them there. i just remembered a conversation with mike where he posed the idea that maybe Jesus doesnt actually like everyone...he loved everyone for sure, but its not the same as liking them. he definitely had choice people he surrounded himself with and there was John, the disciple that he loved...i'm still thinking on that, and if that were indeed true it would certainly make my not liking the people i dont like easier.so, i'm actively working on letting go of the past and hoping that helps me not be so freakin angry all the time. if you have tips (whoever you are that has actually read to the bottom) on forgiveness or thoughts on the concept please post a comment. and thanks in advance.

honesty

i wish my kids didn't piss me off so much. then i could walk around always feeling like i do when they aren't around and i miss them terribly. whenever i'm away from the girls, even if its a few short hours at the music store, my children are perfect and it makes me feel bad for other kids and their parents for not having my kids. my kids are a complete mystery to me. i don't get how in one moment i am filled with such pride and love that it seeps out of every orifice (seriously...yesterday i was shitting pride when cara took her first dance class and then later on did her german folk dancing at the fest, even though she kept spinning herself into the other dancers and getting lost). Then like three seconds later i'm filled with more rage than even i am comfortable with because the two retardo twins have been beating each other up with the stupid fairy wand again. often i just look at the girls in all their retarded glory and think "what the fuck?" i don't get them. some of you may be reading and thinking....did she just say what the f**k? i did. it's because i've been reading anne lamott again. this time it was her journal of her son's first year of life. dang. anne says everything i think about being a single mom. i've really been struggling with this role ever since cara was born (even though i was married at the time....big story for another time). her book has been therapeutic. and i think that if i just say the things i wish i could say but instead suppress so that people dont mistake me for a crappy mom, that i will find a more healthy way to release all this pent up anger and resentment that kind of lives inside me like one of those little dinosaur caplets that melt to release the dinosaur inside now 50 times bigger. that was a run-on sentence. i dont care either. i think i'm going to start a new blog called the honesty blog and write all about my kids and what they do to me.

old

you know you are getting old when you cant remember how old you really are. you have to begin calculating by saying "well, i know i was born in...."

one is the lonliest number

i was doing laundry today while making dinner (which if you don't like burned food i would not suggest doing) and right in the middle of folding a shirt i heard the timer beeping, indicating that my tasty fish portion from weggies was done. without thinking i almost yelled at someone to grab the fish out of the oven for me so i could finish up in the basement, but the only people in the house were cara and emily (neither of whom are capable of such a task). as i caught myself from yelling at no one i finally found a name for the funk i have been in for a while. i'm lonely. its funny because earlier today i put up a little blurb about lonlieness from this website despair.com which i thought to be amusing at the time. i dont know why i feel lonely. i think i miss the idea of being married. thats not to say i miss the person i was once married to becuase that would be very very wrong. but i do miss the idea of having someone to yell at to grab the fish before it burns at any given moment of the day. i feel lonely when i am alone (thank you captain obvious...what a profound statement). especially when i am alone with the girls. they overwhelm me so quickly most days with their incessant bickering over who had the toy first and the whining about wanting pasta instead of mac and cheese(which i mistakenly tried to explain to cara that mac and cheese was pasta...bad move). i feel very lonely during those moments because i cant go away to be alone. its a weird place to be...feeling alone because i cant be alone. sometimes i feel lonely when i'm with people too. not really sure why that is. so...thats my lament for the day. i'm going to go brood over it while driving to the thrift store to drop off clothes. and i'm going to put up that same away message because even right now it still amuses me.

Traveling Mercies

I'm just about to finish a book by Anne Lamott called Traveling Mercies. Its been one of the best books i've read in a long time. the thing that gets me about this book is the sheer honesty of it all. she seems to hide nothing. i find that to be a trait that i respect in people but personally have a hard time doing. thats not to say i lie to people, but i suppose in a way i do. i would probably hide a lot of the things she so freely speaks of. i might share with one or two close people but publish it in a book? that takes balls. i think anne is very balls-y. the other thing i like is that wherever she seems to go, she creates a community for herself (or finds one) and immerses herself in it. she surrounds herself with people who care and whom she can care about, so when she's really freakin out she has people to rely on. i, on the other hand, have such a community of people but deliberately choose to keep my neatly constructed wall about me. i dont let people inside my walls much. i grew up this way. our family wore its happy face in public and only had a few people who were privvy to anything beyond the face. its pretty hard to break this. so when i'm really freakin out i know in my head that i have people i can rely on, but i'm afraid to let them past the walls. i probably should deconstruct the walls, because there is a lot about life right now that i find myself deconstructing. and all of it is strange and scary and freeing and burdening all at the same time. i should probably share some of the load with people. once i figure out how to do that i'm going to teach my girls how to do do that as well . so anyway...go get the book and read it. its damn good.

The Gospel of Mary

i decided to read up on the gospel according to Mary Magdalene. i had never known such a gospel existed and if i had i probably would have dismissed it as crap just like any of the other gospels that aren't canonized. but i decided to give it a chance. what i found was interesting. one verse i really liked. "Matter gave birth to a passion that has no equal, which proceeded from something contrary to nature. Then there arises a disturbance in it's whole body." (Mary 4:30) i thought this an interesting way to describe Jesus. i noted it down becuase of its lyrical nature (mostly the first sentence...i'm not altogether sure about the disturbance part. i suppose thats the way though...take what ya like leave what ya don't..hehe). refering to Mary (the mother of Jesus) as matter makes the whole thing so much more fleshly and raw. and 'giving birth to a passion' and also 'proceeding form something contrary to nature' seems to add a divine quality. to me this really highlights the mystery of Christ in that he was everything like us and unlike us at the same time. i thought this a beautiful statement. as far as the rest of the gospel there were parts that sounded so familiar, like the other gospels. then there were parts that made no sense to me at all. for the most part the writing style sounds very unlike anything else i've read from the canon. i caught myself skimming and tried to fight that so as to catch and understand everything i could. i think part of the difficulty comes from the large chunks of manuscript missing. it was hard to really get any sense of context. the thing about this gospel that stuck out most was my resistance to it. for so long i had been taught to dismiss anything that wasnt canonized as just someones opinion and that it holds no water and should not ever be used for any kind of edification. but why? lots of people for thousands of years have been writing and pondering and struggling with Jesus...should we not read their thoughts and ponder them ourselves? i find it odd that somehow its easy to accept rick warren's philosophies and ideas and teach from his books about how to find a purpose in life and in our churches. he has said nothing new. he sure has said it in a way that gets him a lot of cash, but there's no new thoughts or content there that someone else hasn't already said years ago. these days i find myself a little less likely to throw out ideas as crap without really thinking them through. after the books of the bible were finally decided upon did people all of a sudden cease to be inspired by God to write? if thats the case then i should just stop writing music altogether. and all the music that came after the psalms and Christ hymns and such is certainly not to be used for any kind of edification whatsoever. i guess michael w. smith should look for a new job.

Jesus and the Giant Baby

lately cara has been running around saying that her body hurts or that emily hits her and such. this practice has become rather annoying so i decided to tell her the story of the boy who cried wolf so she can begin to understand the value of telling the truth. so tonight she asked to hear the story and i told it to her. when the story was over she asked if she could tell a story. she then told the story about a boy named Jesus who went into the towns warning people of the impending doom of the giant baby (which didnt actually terrorize the towns until the third time when "the giant baby really did come into the towns to eat up all the people. but the boy had growened and the giant baby did not eat him." thank goodness...where would we be if the giant baby had indeed consumed our only shot at redemption). when she was done i asked her what the moral of the story was. "well, mom...the rule of the story is that you should not say when the giant baby is coming if he isnt going to come because no one will believe you if the giant baby comes to eat up all the people. you can only say that the giant baby is coming only if he is really going to come. then people will believe you."

my grandmothers

last night i got an email from timm that his grandmother had passed away. if you think of it remember the cash family. reading his email and all the wonderful things he said about his grandmother got me thinking about my grandmothers. i was blessed with three grannies growing up. each were vastly different in personality types and interest and jobs and such. its fun to look back on the time i spent with each of them and the experiences we shared. i can see the influence in my life that each of them had.
Granny Stoner is the one who taught me how to believe in God. she never preached to me or told me bible stories over the phone or forced me to church with her, but rather she simply lived out her faith in a real way. She and my grandfather had three sons together. And together they buried each one of them. 2 had cystic fibrosis and my father had cancer of everything. by the time my father passed away (he was the last of the three) i was 15 and old enough to understand in some small way how she managed to keep on living in spite of the horrors her life had dealt. Thats not to say her life didnt deal her some immense joys. but i look at my babies and cant imagine the pain of not having them around. let alone feeling that three times over. granny never complained or questioned. at least not that i ever heard. she hurt and my brother and i were privvy to it. but she never threw these losses at God and pushed her anger around. she is the person i remember when i question my faith and become angry at God. i also remember her gentleness and she always was the picture of perfection in my mind. the stoners house was always open and full of neighborhood kids. and of course she always had something tasty in the oven. when the family needed cash, she took on a job at a pharmacy. the woman never knew what it meant to be lazy. she had a heart of gold and genuinely cared about people. i'd like to be more like her, but she would just laugh and say that she was just an old granny. despite the hurt she endured throughout life she always had something to laugh about.
Grandma Knight is where i learned respect. grandma really loves music. any time i visit i have to sit down and play for her...didnt matter if i hadnt practiced anything, she just wanted to hear me play. i always did this with a certain amount of grudgery. what kid wants to sit down and play camptown races for their grandma when its a perfectly good day to get into the mud puddle you could find beneath the rain spout. one day i was mumbling something about not wanting to play a song and why do i have to, etc, etc...grumble grumble. and she just said "because i'm your grandmother and i want to hear your beautiful songs." later on when i went off to school and actually had really interesting things to play i told her when i'd be coming for a visit and before she could tell me to bring something to play i asked her to get some friends together and i'd give a mini recital. she was so excited. she packed in as many as she could which was slightly embarassing, but shes my grandma and she wants to hear my songs. so you play. now i still kind of grumble but more in a good way whenever she asks me to play. mostly its because i keep thinking that she'll forget to ask. and she came to my house a few weeks back and it never occurred to me that i'd play for her, but i do have the family steinway (its an upright) so i played. it sucked, because i hadnt practiced, but she was ever the captive audience.
Granny Call is the granny from my little known things about me post. She was a pilot in WWII. i learned how to appreciate life for all it can be from granny call. as a wife of a high ranking military officer she often entertained many important people from all over the world. this is where she got her cooking philosophy and where i got my eating philosophy. janet dailey wrote a book about the experiences of the WASPs of WWII and relied heavily on my grandmothers recollections for information to use in her story. the book (silver wings santiago blue) in dedicated to my grandmother. when i was old enough to read the book i asked which character she was but she never said. i think the author put a little bit of granny in all of the main characters. its a janet dailey book so take it for what its worth, but i can see peices of granny in there. she often said things like 'people who eat spicy food lead spicy lives' and when my dad was caught by a neighbor playing in the street she said 'well, we lose a few from time to time that way...but it sure is fun making new ones' granny was the lady to take the proverbial bull by the horns. she did not approach life delicately and tried just about everything she decided she wanted to try. and the things she held dear she held them very closely. she loved fiercely. and she never bothered with the things in life that just didnt matter. though she had a bit of early road rage...i remember her yelling out the window to the car in front of her 'whats the matter?! you afraid to die?!!" when i get too bogged down with all the little things that mean nothing at all i think of granny call. what a legacy these three ladies have passed on to me and my family.

Little Known Facts About Me

I always enjoy reading other people's personal trivia so here is some of mine. These are listed in no order at all...just writing them as i think them up.

1. I was hit by a truck when i was 6 and dented the bumper with my head (explain anything?)
2. I will drink just about anything on a dare as long as it doesnt have chunks in it. I will drink no chunky drinks.
3. on a similar note I will eat anything once. if its good i will eat it again. if its gross...i will not (duh).
4. i still say 'duh' upon occasion. only if provoked (which i apparently was in #3).
5. #3 is a direct result of my grandmothers philosophy on cooking. If she could remember having prepared a meal before she would not prepare it again. Thank God we only saw her twice a year (not really cuz she was damn cool).
6. a fun family fact: that same grandmother was a pilot in WWII (part of the WASPs...google it...i cant do the fancy link thing).
7. i cant do the fancy link thing.
8. my maiden name is stoner. i dare you to ask if i did drugs.
9. i used to play french horn. rather, i used to be good at it...now i suck. but i was 8th best in the state in high school. look where it got me...
10. i can run really fast. this is a direct result of being a puny white girl in a city school.
11. i went to a bible college. look where it got me...
12. i seem to like adding 'look where it got me' after some little known facts about myself. look where it got me...(see?)
13. i was on swim team in high school.
14. i've been to germany, england and italy and canada (but really, who cares abotu canada?)
15. i started taking piano lessons at 5 (years old as opposed to 5 o clock).
16. i have some veins that form a heart shape.
17. i watch as the world turns on a daily basis (though i do not record the days i cant watch)
18. i really enjoy shopping even if i cant buy anything. i just like to look at all the shiny things.
19. i enjoyed watching reruns of Jake and the Fat Man when i was small.
20. i do not cry at movies. only mike does that:)
21. i hate cooking but i like baking. they arent the same thing.
22. i almost died when i was an infant from a high fever, then convulsions, then not breathing. that'll just about do it every time...except that time.
23. i like the movie Gone With the Wind.
24. i'm starting to get bored so i'm not going to write anymore little known facts about myself. i have to keep somethings to myself so i can still be interesting at parties.

Emily

This morning Emily decided that she wanted me to put 'hai-uh" in her hair (Hai-uh means those little elastic bands to hold hair in place) . Since she wanted two of them i did her up with some fantastic pigtails. She was super proud and went to look in the mirror where she stood there for about 5 minutes shaking her head around like a model on a pantene commercial all the while saying hai-uh. Then she ran into the living room shouting HAI-UH!!! Then I hear Cara scream "EM-O-WEEEE!!!!! Stop flipping your hair on my ponies!!!!" Good times, good times

Mommy, what's my body?

Cara likes to ask me this question periodically. She started asking it when I was taking Human Anatomy. When i was taking Human Physiology she started asking "Mommy how does my body work?" I never told her the difference but she knew anyway. She is so smart. I am so often floored by how much she knows. sometimes i am convinced she is smarter than i am (honestly, sometimes its not too far of a stretch to think so). the human body completely fascinates me. i think it is the most beautiful of all God's creations. And after having studied it so intensely for a year i cannot imagine how someone can see anything other than perfect design. this is, of course, only my opinion and i am not debunking anyone else's thoughts on the origin of man. i suppose my studies have just confirmed more concretely for me the presence of a divine creator. i have decided that the design of the body is perfect in every way. it can heal itself, regenerate itself (just ask timm cash to see his fingers that he chopped the tips off of at easter....you can barely tell anything happened at all!), and maintain itself. Here's a for instance. In the summer time it gets too hot for the body to maintain proper life functions. So built into our bodies we have a thermoregulation feedback system (temperature regulation). we are set on or around 98.6 degrees. when the body gets warmerthan the set point, the brain sends a signal to the veins and arteries telling the deep ones to constrict and divert blood to the superficial ones so we can lose the excess heat. we also sweat. Because we sweat, we lose body water thus lowering our total body fluid volume which sets off another feedback system to compensate. When the body fluid volume feedback is working the kidney is stimulated by a certain horomone that tells it to reserve water. We also have a thirst center that is stimulated by another horomone so that we start to drink. I could go on forever just on feedback systems! If you are short on glucose in the body, for instance if you haven't eaten in a while, your body can just make it. The brain feeds off of glucose to function properly, so there are several ways in which glucose can be formed if it isn't ingested. Its freaking amazing. The reason your bone gets stronger the more you exercise is because when you put pressure on a bone it emits a small electric charge which in turn stimulate osteoblasts within the bone that strengthen and build bone. Freakin electricity in our bones! i often found myself to be speechless after many many lectures. Pretty neat stuff...

Things done and left undone

Ike and Tina Turner live next door. i hear them just about every night until all hours screaming at each other, hitting each other and i think i could probably write a book on all the names you can call someone in a heated debate. Here is a very revealing and convicting list of ways i've been completely unhelpful in any of it.

Things done:
1) i have yelled out my window at the turners to stop their fighting (becuase it always seems to come at a time when the girls are sleeping-which becomes highly inconvenient for me).
2) I have called the cops to break up fights once and threatened them from my porch to call again
3) I have offered to help once (and only half heartedly meant it...what? am i going to have them over for tea? maybe that falls in the things undone category)
4) Griped and complained about the Turners and their horrible habits to a number of people giving a detailed description of their offenses
5) Called the owner of their rental property to see if they would evict the Turners, again going into detailed descriptions of their offenses
6) Held contempt for them in my thoughts
7) Nicknamed them Ike and Tina
8) Thought myself and my family to be in way better shape (thusly way better in general....at least I dont go around________...... right)

Things undone:
1) speak to them beyond a brief and somewhat gruff 'hello' when i see them outside
2) invite them over
3) help in any tangible way
4) listen to them

I'm sure if i thought about it even more i could come up with an even longer list of things i haven't done to really be of any use. In rereading this list and knowing what their life appears to be from next door i am appaled at my behavior! this list is so condemning. Where is Christ in it? and until i sat down and wrote out this list i didnt even realize how un-Godlike i've been to them. gossip, contempt, thinking more highly of myself than i should. I dont write this list and confess my sins to flog myself but rather to remind myself that i have on numerous occasions said that i need to go help these people in some way. As i mentioned i did go over and offer to help, but again read the words in parentheses next to it. i continue to feel like i need to talk to them or just offer to listen. Yet day after day i stay inside and close the doors when they begin to fight. sometimes i tell myself that its just not safe for me to be getting in the middle of things especially if they are fighting. This is partially true but mostly an excuse to hide behind. My other excuse being that i have no idea how to approach them. and this is true. i have after all been yelling at them from my porch and windows. now i'm supposed to go over and offer to be a friend? would they even listen? i wouldnt if i were them. I also think that meybe they don't want to be helped. what if they would be more offended that this holy roller is coming over into their world trying to "shed a little light"? What if i'm really that pompous? I dont think that i am, but i could be grossly overlooking some serious arrogance on my part. The church i'm a part of lists justice as one of its core values. and its a value that i really connect with and want to live out. but given my thoughts for my neighbors it seems a slap in their face for me to say any such thing about justice.

Forgive the things I have done and the things I have left undone. Forgive me for profaning Your name in my hypocrisy. Help me live out the values that You have set in my heart.

Oxymorons

refering of course to the morons who use oxy instead of clearasil to dry up pesky facial acne.


I love oxymorons. Here's one of my favorites of late :

"or what would man give in exchange for his soul?" as seen in bumpersticker form on the Ford Company's largest, most expensive, gas guzzling, dangerous, SUV's known to all of mankind.....huh. Maybe i got it all wrong...maybe they got such a large and wasteful vehicle so they could help feed the hungry and clothe the naked.
at least its taken my attention away (briefly) from the I Am Faith bumper stickers (see previous post for further clarification of my feelings toward this sticker). why would you need to make a statement as such on a little white sticker and affix it to the butt of your car? Plus, they are usually attached to rather posh cars.....the one i found most convincing was the one i saw on an old rusted out chevy citation....you'd need faith to drive that car....i'd believe that. thirdly, what if I wanted to be faith? nope, that one's taken...so my options are... or faithless? i guess i could take hope or love. if i act quickly i can corner the market on I Am Hope stickers to cover my car's butt.

the wizard ain't wizzin

I was in a play in 6th grade called from mars to oz. I got to play the wizard of oz and the only thing i remember about it is a piece of this one song that i had to sing. "I ain't what i used to be...my magic is missing, the wizard ain't wizzing, as far as anyone can seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......(railroad tracks and wait for my big finish) I AIN'T WHAT I USED TO BE!!! (two things immediately pop out as poor thinking on the part of the people who chose the play...the wizard ain't wizzin? come on! we couldn't get past that line without giggling incessantly. and what's with ain't? they just spent 6 years trying to smite that word from our vocabulary!)

at any rate, i'm feeling lately that i'm not what i used to be. I keep seeing bumper stickers on all kinds of yuppie cars that say "I am faith" (which, if you ask mike, really annoy me to the point of wanting to ram my car into theirs and send them flying off a cliff....but thats a post for another time) and sometimes i think that my bumper sticker would say i am not faith. if i had a bumper sticker of any sort of ilk, which i do not. my faith doesnt seem as vibrant and shiny as it once did. i find myself with way more questions than i know what to do with and fewer and fewer answers than i ever had. i wonder if my faith will ever be all shiny again, or maybe refreshing. I used to find great relief in just trusting God implicitly and blindly without question. lately i've found faith to be anything but refreshing. its hard and its work. i can't remember the last time i really sat down with the Bible to read with any kind of purpose. The people that i used to do church type things with would say that i feel this way because i have some kind of unatoned sin in my life.....but don't we all? i mean do you walk around messing up and immediately drop to your knees and beg forgiveness? yet they all look as if their 'faith' is shiny and right on track. seems fake to me. i think i was that fake. or maybe i never really knew what faith was until i needed it so i just assumed i had it because i looked and sounded like everyone else. i don't say the things i used to anymore...the sugar coated words of bonafide genuine faith to help the medicine go down. without my safety net i'm not sure which words go best with a nasty dose of reality. at least there are things that i can still be pretty sure of (as in the basic tenets of faith...theres that word again) and i do find some relief that those aren't shaken. it's strange learning how to think about God things rather than being told which things to think and exactly how to think about them. moreover its scary....what if i screw it all up and find out upon arriving at the pearly gates that i was wrong this whole time? Oi. guess i'll just have to have faith that things will all turn out for the best in the end......ha.

I have a blog

not quite the same thing as having a dream, but it'll do for the meantime. anyway, this is my first venture into the big bad world of blogging. more useless ramblings and musings to come....:) don't hold your breath though or your lungs will explode. its true...i read it on the internet...er....my physiology class! whee!