honesty

i wish my kids didn't piss me off so much. then i could walk around always feeling like i do when they aren't around and i miss them terribly. whenever i'm away from the girls, even if its a few short hours at the music store, my children are perfect and it makes me feel bad for other kids and their parents for not having my kids. my kids are a complete mystery to me. i don't get how in one moment i am filled with such pride and love that it seeps out of every orifice (seriously...yesterday i was shitting pride when cara took her first dance class and then later on did her german folk dancing at the fest, even though she kept spinning herself into the other dancers and getting lost). Then like three seconds later i'm filled with more rage than even i am comfortable with because the two retardo twins have been beating each other up with the stupid fairy wand again. often i just look at the girls in all their retarded glory and think "what the fuck?" i don't get them. some of you may be reading and thinking....did she just say what the f**k? i did. it's because i've been reading anne lamott again. this time it was her journal of her son's first year of life. dang. anne says everything i think about being a single mom. i've really been struggling with this role ever since cara was born (even though i was married at the time....big story for another time). her book has been therapeutic. and i think that if i just say the things i wish i could say but instead suppress so that people dont mistake me for a crappy mom, that i will find a more healthy way to release all this pent up anger and resentment that kind of lives inside me like one of those little dinosaur caplets that melt to release the dinosaur inside now 50 times bigger. that was a run-on sentence. i dont care either. i think i'm going to start a new blog called the honesty blog and write all about my kids and what they do to me.