Wednesday, August 30, 2006

All New People

I just finished off another Anne Lamott book (number 6 and counting) called All New People. It's one of her early novels and as the name implies its kind of a before and after deal, where you follow a family and see them transform. its a nice thought, becoming a new person. kind of romantic, but not impossible. sometimes i think that God has taken me back to high school where i met slick (the ex) and started attending cult to start my transformation into a real person from that time. mind you, i was a complete ass in high school, as most of us are, and completely self absorbed. i think i am still an ass and self absorbed and since i'd most like to jsut erase the time i met slick to about a year ago completely from memory, i decided that i get to start over from high school and learn to grow up. i believe God loves me because he doesnt want me to stay a self absorbed jerk. but i'm not entirely sure he likes me all that much as i am right now. i'm not sure i even like myself that much as i am. so i'm trying to grow up. its hard. mostly becuase if i follow the idea that i'm starting where i was in high school, i've got a lot of work with two little girls in tow. most days i'm pretty selfish where they are concerned. i dont want to get up every morning to the sound of children fighting over a toy and screaming at each other. i dont want to feed them, i want to sleep in and get up when i feel like it. as a result i get crabby real fast. and that crabbiness generally sets the tone for the day. its pretty hard to live outside of my own wants. i'm also learning not to live outside my own needs, and taking an honest look at what my needs really are and then trying not to be a martyr. i still think i have a pretty juvenile picture as to what my real needs are as opposed to what i want. but i think God gently tells me at the end of everyday where i have been a jerk and that i can try to do better tomorrow. in that respect, i really ascribe to the notion that we get to start each day fresh. it somehow makes living through the day a little easier without the weight of yesterday on you. and if i let it, yesterday can be really heavy. i have also learned that i am extended grace from my kids who let me tell them that i messed up and forgive me. its pretty humbling when your five year old says "i forgive you mommy." so if you see me being an asshole you can tell me to grow up, because after all this time i still need to hear it.


Lisa said...

i dont want to feed them, i want to sleep in and get up when i feel like it.

Oh man, that is the absolute worst part of my day. I hate having to referee a fight as soon as my feet hit the floor. I hate Bryn pulling on my arm and saying "mooooommy! Aren't you going to get uuuuuuup!"

But luckily, the older they get, the more self-sufficient they are. Once in a while they even get their own breakfast and get dressed and let me sleep as long as I want. But I know when they're 5 and 2, it seems like you'll be doing it forever. I've always said that God must give special dispensation for mothers of preschoolers.

Chris said...

Just think; slick sort of introduced you to Jesus, right? and so even if it led to bad stuff with slick, you now get to grow with Jesus while you're not with slick ... wow, I'm raelly not doing well gramatically. Is this making any sense?

Point being, I think it's awesome how you're trying so hard and being so honest about it all and doing stuff you know you should but don't want to; you'll be better for it later. I wish I'd do more of that ...