I was in a play in 6th grade called from mars to oz. I got to play the wizard of oz and the only thing i remember about it is a piece of this one song that i had to sing. "I ain't what i used to be...my magic is missing, the wizard ain't wizzing, as far as anyone can seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......(railroad tracks and wait for my big finish) I AIN'T WHAT I USED TO BE!!! (two things immediately pop out as poor thinking on the part of the people who chose the play...the wizard ain't wizzin? come on! we couldn't get past that line without giggling incessantly. and what's with ain't? they just spent 6 years trying to smite that word from our vocabulary!)
at any rate, i'm feeling lately that i'm not what i used to be. I keep seeing bumper stickers on all kinds of yuppie cars that say "I am faith" (which, if you ask mike, really annoy me to the point of wanting to ram my car into theirs and send them flying off a cliff....but thats a post for another time) and sometimes i think that my bumper sticker would say i am not faith. if i had a bumper sticker of any sort of ilk, which i do not. my faith doesnt seem as vibrant and shiny as it once did. i find myself with way more questions than i know what to do with and fewer and fewer answers than i ever had. i wonder if my faith will ever be all shiny again, or maybe refreshing. I used to find great relief in just trusting God implicitly and blindly without question. lately i've found faith to be anything but refreshing. its hard and its work. i can't remember the last time i really sat down with the Bible to read with any kind of purpose. The people that i used to do church type things with would say that i feel this way because i have some kind of unatoned sin in my life.....but don't we all? i mean do you walk around messing up and immediately drop to your knees and beg forgiveness? yet they all look as if their 'faith' is shiny and right on track. seems fake to me. i think i was that fake. or maybe i never really knew what faith was until i needed it so i just assumed i had it because i looked and sounded like everyone else. i don't say the things i used to anymore...the sugar coated words of bonafide genuine faith to help the medicine go down. without my safety net i'm not sure which words go best with a nasty dose of reality. at least there are things that i can still be pretty sure of (as in the basic tenets of faith...theres that word again) and i do find some relief that those aren't shaken. it's strange learning how to think about God things rather than being told which things to think and exactly how to think about them. moreover its scary....what if i screw it all up and find out upon arriving at the pearly gates that i was wrong this whole time? Oi. guess i'll just have to have faith that things will all turn out for the best in the end......ha.